Weighing heavily on my mind...

Shortly after getting up this morning, we received the phone call that we were expecting for the last couple of weeks. An extended family member and close family friend, Cheryl, passed away this morning. Cheryl has been fighting a very courageous battle with cancer for nearly 2 years now. After realizing a few weeks ago that the chemotherapy would no longer work, she was able to move home and receive in-home hospice care and spend her last days with her family.

All day long I have had a heavy heart. The sun was shining, and it was just the perfect fall day. Part of me feels like it should be raining on a sad day such as this, yet knowing that Cheryl is now in heaven, with her mom again after 12 years of separation, I know that it truly is a joyful day for her. She was such a religious person that today was finally her reward, as she gets to meet her God. However for her family it is just the beginning of a long road without her present and they will now have to wait to see her again when they rejoice together in heaven.

I tried really hard to soak in all the moments of my day. They are so stressful and so busy sometimes, and I have so many moments of just plain overwhelming feelings of "Will my life EVER be calm again?" Then I tell myself, "YES! They are only this little once and life will slow down and get just a little bit easier"...yet it's something I have to tell myself over and over again, day after day. I don't want to take one second of my life for granted, yet it seems like I struggle with just wanting it to be naptime, or bedtime, so I can just have a few minutes to myself. I know this is normal, but I can't help feeling guilty having these feelings. I know that Cheryl would have done anything (and she tried!) to have even one more minute with her children and grandchildren. She didn't want to go yet; she wasn't ready to say goodbye to her life.

It's just so unfair...
yet those that truly believe in God and heaven know that dying is the true gift. It's just so hard for us here on earth, those of us left to say goodbye and stay "behind", to understand and believe.